Trump cut $65 million in funding for UNRWA? PLO chief Abbas gives his people a new hope by purchasing a $50 million luxury jet, to boldly go where no one has gone before. Winning!
What do you do if your citizens are apparently “starving” for food, education, health care and electricity? If you love your people as much as Pallywood leader Mahmoud Abbas loves his servants, you obviously buy yourself a brand new luxury private jet for $50 million.
It is quite understandable after all. He recently made a huge sacrifice and gave up his modest 4,700 square meter palace, which cost $6 million to build. It is being transformed into a National Liebrary, as a cornerstone for the preservation of national heritage and also serve as a cultural center.
The initiative he claimed constituted a “cultural-political vision which flows from the necessities and reality of the future.“ That, and his fear of the negative reactions the structure has caused among his Arab constituents. So a jet can always come in handy. You never know when you’ll need to make a run for it in this region.
Mr. Abbas, who has always been a conservative spender of foreign aid to Pallywood, may want to consider a luxury yacht, costing only $35 million. He could transform this into a fishing boat that will cruise around the Mediterranean and catch fish for Pallywood fishermen. Since Mr. Abbas worries that Zionist sharks outside Gaza seek to poison the fish, Mr. Abbas and his friends will sacrifice themselves for the sake of Pallywood by eating all the fish themselves.
Abbas’s new jet plane is the answer to Pallywood’s ancient prayers to return to the mythological PLO state between the Michael Jordan River and the Club Med Sea that has been under alleged, “Zionist occupation” before earth was created. Everyone knows such a momentous event requires sacrifice.
Spending $50 million is an acceptable sacrifice and it makes a statement. A statement you can’t make, for example, with a private jet you can easily buy at the moment for the ridiculously cheap bargain price of $1.5 million on eBay.
Abbas’s spokesperson, Ali Abu-Kleptomaniac explains: “His inflated excellency Mr. Abbas’ new plane will be named “Exodus” after the infamous Pallywood rubber Jihad duck that tried to breach the Zionist blockade in the Mediterranean bathtub through underground water-filled Hamas tunnels.”
Captain Abu Schmuck, who pilots Abbas’ new flying toy, proudly takes us on a guided tour across his flying kingdom that rivals the famous starship Enterprise in the popular Pallywood TV series “Star Dreck”.
Captain Abu Schmuck: “So President Trump threatens to cut funds to UNWRA while you are hungry for a snack? Oy vey, oy vey. Just press this service button and the kitchen onboard will promptly serve you anything you desire from Russian Beluga caviar to French champagne. Unfortunately, due to the Zionist blockade, our Michelin-starred kitchen only delivers to Mahmoud Abbas and his immediate friends. However, do not despair and seek comfort in our famous Pallywood saying “Next lifetime in Gaza”. In the meantime, join Mr. Abbas for a few bottles of EU-financed alcohol-free Dom Perignon champagne from infidel-occupied Eastern Parisistan.”
Captain Abu Schmuck: “Are you short of school books and reading material for your kids? Sit back and enjoy our exclusive inflight magazine “Sputnik Abbas” that offers ample and enjoyable reading opportunities, mostly about Mahmoud and Abbas. Our current issue satisfies your needs for historical fiction and creative fairytales by featuring an article celebrating Abbas’ Holocaust denial doctorate and his new Jerusalem love story “Quds Klux Klan”. Our literary editor Yussuf Gobbling-Goebbels will also review bestselling fiction ranging from Gaza golumnist Ahmed Gollumb’s award-winning masterpiece “Mein Precious Kampf” to Saeb Erekat’s new bestseller “My Weight Intifada under Zionist Food Occupation.”
Do not worry if the “racist Zionists” refuse to provide free electricity to Ramallah and Gaza. Abbas’ luxury jet is equipped with reserve generators that produce more electricity than all Duracell Bunnies combined. The electricity onboard will obviously benefit the populations in Ramallah and Gaza by providing non-stop power to Abbas’ Xbox video game consoles and high-quality inflight cinema systems. In solidarity with the oppressed brothers and sisters driving donkey carts in Gaza, Abbas’ jet will be screening the crocodile tear documentary “Cruising above Pallywood”, which won three headless Jihad statues at the latest Sharia Oscar gala in Iran.
Citizens of Pallywood no longer need to worry about deteriorating health care. Abbas’s luxury jet is equipped with first class medical equipment, a five star Jacuzzi, Turkish bath and Thai massage. Unfortunately due to the “Zionist occupation” and “racist road blocks” up among the clouds, Pallywood’s flying medical service and spa facilities are currently only offered to Abbas and his kleptomaniac friends. Regardless whether Mr. Abbas is sipping EU-funded alcohol-free champagne or enjoying US-funded Jacuzzi, his thoughts are naturally always with his servants in Ramallah and Gaza. Thanks to his new plane, Abbas now gets a bird’s-eye view of his imaginary occupied kingdom below.
Pallywood’s creative and violent history has frequently been a self-inflicted roller coaster. Thanks to Abbas’ new plane, all people of Pallywood are now in safe hands. In case of emergencies, all Abbas friends’ onboard will receive parachutes designed by Dolce & Gabbana and life vests produced by Prada. As the loving father of Pallywood, Abbas has saved the best for his servants on the ground: Jihad vests produced in Gaza. The demand is literally exploding and there has never been any dissatisfied returning customers in Pallywood.
Thanks to Abbas’ plane, there will be no more violent conflicts between Fatah and Hamas terrorists throwing each other from rooftops. From now on, disputes will be settled in a civilized fashion by letting Hamas thugs bungee jump from the plane with no rope, straight into the Mediterranean. Greenpeace will blame the “Zionist occupation” for the increased ocean pollution.
As the infamous Second World War Pallywood leader, Walid Abu-Churchill would have said about Abbas and his luxury jet: “Never was so much owed by so few EU-funded Pallywood parasites to so many gullible infidels.”
Daniel Kryger is a writer and a political analyst (when he’s serious). He lives in Israel.
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