Welcome to Pallywood!

The PA sought membership in the United Nations’ World Tourism Organization. Here is the write up we think they should have in travel guides.

Pallywood historic artwork (photo - freakingnews.com Flickr page)

Looney Planet has chosen Pallywood as the Top Terror Travel destination 2017. The runner-ups, North Korea, Iran, and Islamic State are finding it hard to deal with the ensuing humiliation.

North Korea’s Rocket Man, also known as Sputnik-Kim, immediately threatened to launch World War III, unless Looney Planet recognize his Stalinist utopia, as the looniest destination on earth. Iran’s leader, known simply as Supreme-Comedy among friends, blamed the loss on “Zionist conspiracies” and threatened to unleash Iran’s fatwa-implementing assassin Salmon Rush-to-Die.

ISIS vowed to connect Londonistan and Parisijad with the capital of the Caliphate by setting up daily Caliphate Airlines flights featuring flight attendants dressed in daringly explosive burkas.

Loony Planet has written an extensive introduction to the mysterious land of Pallywood, which gives first time visitors historical background, as well as tips and advice on what to do and see.

According to legend, “Pallywood has proudly dwelled between the Michael Jordan River and the Club Med Sea for the past 100,000 years.” This makes Pallywood the oldest civilization in the world by far, outclassing both China and India. According to Pallywood stand-up comedian Saeb Erekat, his personal ancestors lived in the caves of Jericho 10,000 years ago. It was recently revealed that Erekat’s ancestors arrived from Saudi Arabia 100 years ago, but let us not be petty and argue over a couple of zeros.

Loony Planet recommends that the first stop on your visit be Pallywood’s unique heritage museum, known for its innovative and minimalistic design. In most places of the world, heritage museums are usually constructed after securing an actual heritage to put on display. However, in the novel and daring tradition of Pallywood, the museum is established first, while the ancient heritage is currently being manufactured at a Chinese factory. Meantime, the current UNESCO sponsored exhibition, “Empty Spaces”, narrated by British pro-Pallywood musician Roger Waste-Waters, is an absolute must-see.

Pallywood is a paradise for archeology and history buffs. In most parts of the world, newer artifacts normally sit on top of older historical relics. Pallywood dares to be different and is the only place on earth where “indigenous” Muslim mosques have been found on top of “imperialist Zionist sites”, such as the Jewish Temple. Loony Planet, however, recommends that visitors do not provoke their Pallywood hosts with upsetting “Zionist” questions, such as why it is called the Temple Mount.

Pallywood is the cradle of Christianity and Bethlehem was the hometown of the “illegal Zionist settler” Jesus. If you are lucky, you might even spot some Christians on their way out of this city’s increasingly suffocating Islamist embrace.

A trip to Pallywood should include the Dead Sea, which is the saltiest body of water in the world due to millennia of Pallywood crocodile tears shed over past and future “Zionist occupations.”

Overlooking the Dead Sea is the ancient Pallywood fortress Mazda that so bravely fought against attacking Zionist Cadillacs and Chevrolets. This bitter fight led to the famous Pallywood slogan “Mazda shall not drive again.”

Pallywood is also the perfect travel destination for people seeking an escape from a stressful Western lifestyle. In fact, time moves at a much gentler pace in Pallywood than in the West. Pallywood leader, Mahmoud Abbas, who is currently enjoying the 12th year of his four-year term, can attest to this fact.

The land has become a hot health tourism spot. Forget about the thermal baths of Iceland or Hungary. In Pallywood, tourists are able to experience the unique steel-blade “acupuncture” technique that leaves the patient permanently resting in peace.

In fact, people who are looking for those elusive life-elixirs may have to look no further, once they arrive in Pallywood: its late first leader Arafat is believed to have been the world’s oldest living person, since he allegedly established Pallywood 100,000 years ago.

Leading international dietitians have concluded that the secret behind Arafat’s extraordinarily long life consisted of a rich diet of Jew-hatred and self-pity. Pallywood’s healthy buffets offer visitors seeking longer lives an impressive range of anti-Semitic dishes, such as Hitler’s Mein Kampf, the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, Abbas’s Holocaust-denying doctorate and Iranian leader Supreme-Comedy’s memoir – Mein Ongoing Kampf.

However, Pallywood driving habits need a word of caution. While most of the world drives on either the left or the right side of the road, Pallywood drivers have developed and exported a unique driving technique that compels the driver to chant “Allahu Akbar” while driving into everything and everyone on all sides of the road. So do be careful when you move in traffic.

Pallywood boasts a thriving fashion industry that gave the world everything from the fashionable terror Keffiyeh to the explosively charming suicide belt. Both make for wonderful souvenirs and gifts for your loved ones back home.

No visit to Pallywood is complete, however, without a visit to the Hamas love tunnels. While the Great Wall of China was built for paranoid Chinese emperors and the Egyptian Pyramids were built for narcissistic mummies, Pallywood’s Hamas love tunnels were built to selflessly share the explosive love of Jihad with infidels worldwide.

Welcome to Pallywood, a Middle Eastern Fairytale land with more lethal rides than Disneyland.

Daniel Krygier is a writer and political analyst. He lives in Israel.


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