Jerusalem is mentioned zero times in the Koran, making zero a holy number in Pallywood tradition. A humorous look at the unpleasant realities of the Jerusalem issue.
The Muslim world is boiling with anger while the UN and the Europeans are mildly speaking angry.
The reason, of course, is that President Trump had the nerve to recognize that Jerusalem is the capital of Israel and the Jewish people, founded by the “Islamophobe” King David 1600 years before the birth of Islam.
The Arab world, the UN, the Europeans, and Turkey all warn that Trump’s recognition of reality may undermine the “peace process.” So what “peace process” are they referring to?
UN’s Middle East coordinator al-George Orwellejad explains: “Hamas has for years sent Israel friend requests through its Qassam rocket Facebook system. However, the anti-social Zionists have blocked them with their Iron Dome air defense system. In addition, Pallywood leader Mahmoud Abbas has frequently stressed the importance of letting the Jews rest in peace.”
So what is the fuss over Jerusalem about?
Pallywood’s Indoctrination ministerת Mr. Sim Sala Bim explains the importance of Jerusalem or Al Quds as it is referred to in Arabic: “Al Quds is mentioned zero times in the Koran and zero is a holy number in Pallywood tradition. This is also a reason why we are prepared to make zero compromises with the Jews.”
Pallywood’s global supporters have displayed this generous willingness to make zero compromises with the Jewish state by burning Israeli flags from Berlin and Stockholm to Turkey and Indonesia.
EU official Jacques Dhimmi explains this phenomenon: “As good post-colonial and enlightened Europeans we should not pass judgement on the traditions of other cultures. We all share the same planet and it is not a bad thing to develop a burning interest in different flags.”
The demand for burning US and Israeli flags is soaring across the Middle East and Europe’s Islamic ghettos. Business savvy Chinese are offering a popular concept: “Pay for One, Flame for Two and get a Trump Wig for Free.”
In protest of President Trump’s recognition of Jerusalem as Israel’s capital, Pallywood considers recalling its Washington “ambassador”. Washington authorities say that nobody will leave the US capital until Pallywood’s impressive unpaid electricity bills and parking fines have been paid by its foreign donors.
In an attempt to facilitate Middle Eastern reconciliation, former presidential candidate Bernie Sanders suggests to convene all the bright progressive minds of the world for an emergency meeting on Jerusalem in the infamous Polish town of Chelm. The town is known as the place where Albert Einstein was not born.
A spokesperson for former President Jimmy Carter said that if the Trump administration decides to eventually close PLO’s Washington office, Pallywood is welcome to open an embassy at Mr. Carter’s peanut farm. Mr. Carter, who is a celebrated “Middle East expert” among liberals, wrote a critically acclaimed book on the Arab-Israeli conflict a few years ago with the title “Pallywood: Appeasement and Aperitif.”
Pallywood has declared that Vice President Mike Pence is “not welcome in Palestine.” Mr. Pence is expected to shortly visit Israel and the region. An unnamed White House spokesperson reacted by saying: “Since we have failed to locate any Palestine on the world map, it should not create any logistical problems for the Vice President’s visit to the Middle East.”
Mahmoud Abbas’ diplomatic advisor Majdi Khalidi said, “…the US has crossed red lines” on Jerusalem. The unnamed White House official responded by saying: “The Trump Administration is under the impression that the European Union and the Arab world are mainly concerned with green lines. They should not be driving if they cannot tell the difference between red and green.”
Pallywood’s Minister of Expansionism Mohammed al-Chutzpah explains that the Pallywood concept, “Life of Rage”, is by no means limited only to ‘East Jerusalem’:
“Pallywood suffers from chronic claustrophobia and the cure requires the liberation of East London, West Palm Beach, South Paris and North Berlin. We call on French President Emmanuel Macron to maintain the status quo of creeping Islamization of Paris and not change anything on the ground by building any new unauthorized French restaurant settlements serving toasted frog legs and snails.”
However, Mr. al-Chutzpah stressed that the beating heart of Pallywood’s kleptomaniac aspirations is located in downtown Las Vegas. The city is known in Pallywood tradition as the site where Pallywood’s Prophet descended to oppressively hot subterranean pastures in a EU funded Cadillac.
Ramallah’s Casino Minister Mr. al-Roulette Poker Faceallah elaborates: “We will not allow Cowboy Zionists or anyone else to gamble away our sacred Las Vegas. The city is central to our identity. For 20,000 years, Pallywood gamblers have said “Next year in Las Vegas”.”
Pallywood’s long and strong attachment to the city is articulated through the famous Pallywood saying:
“If I forget thee O Las Vegas, let my right hand forget how to cheat in Blackjack.”
The Pallywood minister concludes by reminding his audience that the Gaza Strip is just the stepping-stone to the ultimate goal: the Las Vegas Strip.
Daniel Kryger is a writer and a political analyst. He lives in Israel.
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